A declaration · By Marcus · Cockermouth (135 miles from where he needs to be)
There are moments in a man's life that demand clarity. The birth of a child. A hole in one. The moment a knee replacement is confirmed. And a sixtieth birthday. And today, Widnes pauses as its crown jewel turns 60 — and here, officially, for the record: Dave, you are at the absolute peak of your powers, and you are mine.
Is there a love that looks at a man turning 60 and sees no wrinkles,just a finely tuned, bionic golfing adonis whose titanium knee is now fully broken in? Is there a love that can survive the agonizing, soul-crushing distance between Cockermouth and Widnes? Only OUR LOVE.
To the foolish, 60 is the age when Dave pulls back — starts looking at retirement brochures and spends more time with Maria and Joyce. But not for Loverboy. 60 is just the optimal degree of loft on a Ping lob wedge. Dave isn't aging; he's just entering his Senior Tour era with extra 100 yards on his drive.
Time to Recalibrate the Entire Domestic Hierarchy
The podium, officially confirmed. Having given this considerable thought, here's the final rankings:
- Lover
- Golf companion
- Transcendence
- Wife — wonderful
- Daughter — wonderful
- Honourable runners-up
- Both lovely
- Be compliant
- Worthy 3rd Placers
A Word to Each of You
The Glorious Extension
A home improvement project of such ambition and scale that lesser men would have wept at the planning application alone. New rooms. New space. A monument to what is possible when a man of sixty decides to build something worthy of his love for me.
One of those rooms bears a very specific plaque on its door.
Dave & Marcus
Private · No entry · This means you, Maria, Sophie and Joyce.
What happens in that room is between us. It is sacred. There will be a putting mat!
Diamond Decade — Active Mandates
To ensure that Dave's transition into his diamond decade is as glorious as his swing, the following strict mandates are now active, effective immediately. Eileen and Maria, your compliance is, as always, mandatory for the retention of your Maplewood "plus one" privileges.
The Senior Tour Atmosphere — There will be no mention of the words "elderly," "senior citizen," or "concession prices." Dave does not age; he cures like a perfectly seasoned leather grip.
The Titanium Maintenance — Maria, you must ensure that Dave's knee is kept at peak performance. If that requires high-grade WD-40 or a gentle polishing cloth alongside the ice packs, so be it.
The Birthday Sustenance — The hand-fed grapes must continue, but for his 60th, they must be peeled. Eileen, your role is to peel the grapes and hand them to Maria.
The Distance Mitigation Act — Because of the sheer emotional torture of the physical distance between us, my visitation rights remain at 24/7. When I arrive, I will be immediately shown to our private room where Dave will be waiting with his prize putter.
Diamond Jubilee Playlist
In addition to Titanium by Sia and The Winner Takes It All by ABBA, the following tracks are hereby mandated.
| Track | Artist | Official dedication |
|---|---|---|
| Go Your Own Way | Fleetwood Mac | To encourage Sophie to embrace her rock star destiny and pack her bags for the world tour immediately. |
| I Want to Break Free | Queen | Dedicated to Dave's inner cry for freedom whenever he has to spend too much time catering to Joyce. |
| Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger | Daft Punk | A tribute to Dave's new titanium knee and his insatiable appetite for Marcus. |
Ever Yours
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
And Dave, there is no greater proof of that cosmic truth than when the two of us stand side-by-side, looking outward together in the exact same direction — right down the middle of the fairway on the 1st at Blundell's.
Marcus xxx